It's been a while since I've written, so I'll start with filling all of you in with what's been going on. As most of you know, things went haywire this summer, as I plummeted into one of the darkest states of depression that I have ever experienced, second only to the one that led to my suicide attempt and subsequent hospitalization when I was eighteen. I started back to work full time in the middle of June, and was out again by the end of July...yay me! Besides direct sales, I am still not working. I am uninsured.
But I am doing fantastic! Finally! For the first time in a very long time I feel like me! We've all heard that God never gives you more than you can handle, but when you are at the bottom of a pit of despair, just wanting the misery to end...you truly question that. But the answer is this. I don't believe that He doesn't give me more than I can handle at times...I am fragile, and often broken seemingly beyond repair. What I believe is that He, in preparations for the struggles I would endure, gave me the people and resources I would need, to add their strength to mine, when mine isn't enough. It is with God's strength, and the strength of my family and friends, that I made it through this episode...and I know that strength will continue to carry me through whenever my own is lacking.
With the wary cooperation of my amazing psychiatrist I am off of all of the medications that he has prescribed. Instead, he is monitoring my condition in response to the Topamax and Elavil my neurologist prescribes for other conditions. In even better news, I am sleeping through the night, almost every night...thanks to an amazing salt lamp! I bought it at the beach and I have slept well since night one. I no longer take Ambien or even Melatonin. I have had insomnia for eighteen years and I can finally sleep! It's incredible!
I have also found a new church. I haven't gone to church with any regularity for years and now I am going every week. I would go to the Wednesday prayer service too if I had the gas money to go. It feels wonderful to be part of such a welcoming church family, that also happens to include my Grandma and Aunt Brenda as well.
I know that, as is the nature of my illness, the road ahead will not be a smooth one...but I am facing it head on, knowing that even though I can't do it alone...I can do it! :-)
