Monsters (depression)

I wrote this analogy of depression early on in my relationship with Brian.  I had begun to get depressed, and needed a way to explain to him what I was going through, and why at times I could seem fine and at others I was falling apart.  I also wanted to prepare him for what was to come, as the depression progressed.

     Like the monsters in our childhood closets, it lurks in the shadows, emerging only in the darkness and silence.  In the beginning it fears the light and the noise.  Ever so slowly and cautiously it slithers under the surface, waiting for the night...waiting for a chance to consume you.  Initially it is weak.  When you sense its presence you can jump up and turn on the light...the activity.  When you peer inside with the light on, there's nothing there.  The monster has vanished.
     Imagine now that the closet monster slowly builds up a tolerance for the light and begins to venture forth into it.  It starts out slowly, gradually staying in the light longer, and stepping out further.  What starts to happen is the monster's darkness worms holes into the light, over taking it...destroying it, until there is nothing left but black.  The monster is inescapable.

You see, when you start to get depressed, you can keep it at bay to an extent.  If you stay busy and social, it crowds out the negative thoughts and emotions that the depression brings in.  At first.  As it progresses, not only does it take more activity to occupy your thoughts...it also becomes harder to try to do this.  As you are constantly bombarded by illogical and negative thoughts and emotions, that negativity and irrationality takes away your motivation and hope...and if there is no hope of feeling better and conquering the depression, why bother?  In my experience this progression into misery can be slow or sudden.  I have had mild depression cling for months, with some days being better than others, and I have become suicidal in a matter of a couple of days.  If it was predictable, it would be much more controllable.  But it's not.

I have been off all of my medications since January.  I am more "me" than I have been in a long time.  It is tricky and difficult at times, and I sometimes consider going back on them.  When I met Brian I went back on them for four days and was sick and miserable for all of them.  If the medication fixed me, I might be more willing to tolerate the side effects.  But I still have episodes on them...some being severe enough to require hospitalization.  So I can take my meds, be symptomatic anyway, and be miserable physically on top of it all...or I can stay off my meds, be symptomatic at times, but feel good between episodes.  It's not always an easy decision to stick with, especially during the height of depression.  But it's the right decision for me.

The depression I struggled with earlier this summer lasted probably a little over a month.  About a month ago I had a really rough couple of weeks.  I have had days here and there where I've gone full circle from mania to depression and back again, in less than 24 hours.  But today was a good day.  I don't know what kind of day tomorrow will be, but does anyone really?  All I can do is keep pushing through the bad times and make the best of the good.  While in the back of my mind I'll always wonder when things will fall apart, I won't let the unknown detract from enjoying the moment.

Release Me and Belief (two poems)

Release Me

My soul is lost in a twisted
Tangled web of emotions
Coursing through my body
On a rampage of tortured anger

Never to be captured
Paranoia, obsession, and depression
Run free of control
Ripping my hear to shreds

Blinded by feelings of hopelessness
I live each day
Waiting patiently to be released
From the prison of my mind



Belief

How do you decipher the noise and confusion
Into organized compartments?
Who are you to define the limits of reality?
What would it be like to one day wake up
And discover that your reality has shattered
Against imaginary walls?
If you try to put limits on a force that is limitless
You are only constricting the bounds of your imagination.
I've learned through experience
That believing is seeing.
If you don't dismiss the possibility
It is always there.
A limitless force exists in and around all of us.
Our potential is measured
By how much we are willing to experience
And it is limited only by our own minds.

Hopeful Progress

Another birthday has come and gone.  Along with the year passed, I have chosen to leave behind the constant cloud of fear that I live much of my life in.  When you have bipolar disorder, you learn from the never ending roller coaster that is your life that behind every period of stability lies another up or down.  This is not something that goes away...ever.  The realization that what your life has been is what it will always be shatters you.  You learn to second guess every thought and emotion you experience...questioning.  Is it real or just a symptom?  Am I really happy or am I heading into a manic state?  Is this just an off day or am I getting depressed?  Even though I feel okay now...how long will it last?  My medications have been working, but will they continue to?  The constant ups and downs cast a shadow on the time between.  You don't fully embrace and enjoy the good times because you've learned that they always end, and the bottom drops out.  You live a half life...fearing what tomorrow will bring, rather than living today.

No more.

On the way to church a while back I had this hanging over me...burying me under its weight.  Mom could tell something was wrong so I confessed that I was just so tired.  Tired of having to try so hard; tired of living in fear every day.  I felt suffocated by the awareness that this is going to be part of my entire life.  As our pastor made the call to the altar I felt an overwhelming compulsion to go forward and ask God to take away my fear...to heal that part of myself.  What you should understand is that I have spent years begging...pleading...demanding that He take this away.  Just let me have struggled and suffered enough.  Just let me be "normal".  I know that He has the power to heal me.  But he hasn't.  This used to make me so angry with God.  But now I realize that I'm not finished learning and growing; not yet as strong as I can be.  I am who I am very much as a result of my illness, and I wouldn't trade that for anything.  Do I believe that I was finally healed on that day?  I don't know.  I know that I am no longer afraid.  I know that if it is His will then I will know in time.  I know that I am finally moving forward without that familiar weight upon me.  And I am embracing this freedom fully.

I can look at how far I've come since last summer and celebrate it.  With another 5 pounds I will be halfway to my weight loss goal.  So far I have dropped 25 lbs and 3 sizes.  I am working out regularly and eating healthy, without feeling guilty when I indulge.  I just finished my first week at a new job.  Part time, and low stress.  I think it will be very good for me.  I will be getting out of the house, interacting with people, and not be struggling to get bills paid.  Life is good.