I wrote this analogy of depression early on in my relationship with Brian. I had begun to get depressed, and needed a way to explain to him what I was going through, and why at times I could seem fine and at others I was falling apart. I also wanted to prepare him for what was to come, as the depression progressed.
Like the monsters in our childhood closets, it lurks in the shadows, emerging only in the darkness and silence. In the beginning it fears the light and the noise. Ever so slowly and cautiously it slithers under the surface, waiting for the night...waiting for a chance to consume you. Initially it is weak. When you sense its presence you can jump up and turn on the light...the activity. When you peer inside with the light on, there's nothing there. The monster has vanished.
Imagine now that the closet monster slowly builds up a tolerance for the light and begins to venture forth into it. It starts out slowly, gradually staying in the light longer, and stepping out further. What starts to happen is the monster's darkness worms holes into the light, over taking it...destroying it, until there is nothing left but black. The monster is inescapable.
You see, when you start to get depressed, you can keep it at bay to an extent. If you stay busy and social, it crowds out the negative thoughts and emotions that the depression brings in. At first. As it progresses, not only does it take more activity to occupy your thoughts...it also becomes harder to try to do this. As you are constantly bombarded by illogical and negative thoughts and emotions, that negativity and irrationality takes away your motivation and hope...and if there is no hope of feeling better and conquering the depression, why bother? In my experience this progression into misery can be slow or sudden. I have had mild depression cling for months, with some days being better than others, and I have become suicidal in a matter of a couple of days. If it was predictable, it would be much more controllable. But it's not.
I have been off all of my medications since January. I am more "me" than I have been in a long time. It is tricky and difficult at times, and I sometimes consider going back on them. When I met Brian I went back on them for four days and was sick and miserable for all of them. If the medication fixed me, I might be more willing to tolerate the side effects. But I still have episodes on them...some being severe enough to require hospitalization. So I can take my meds, be symptomatic anyway, and be miserable physically on top of it all...or I can stay off my meds, be symptomatic at times, but feel good between episodes. It's not always an easy decision to stick with, especially during the height of depression. But it's the right decision for me.
The depression I struggled with earlier this summer lasted probably a little over a month. About a month ago I had a really rough couple of weeks. I have had days here and there where I've gone full circle from mania to depression and back again, in less than 24 hours. But today was a good day. I don't know what kind of day tomorrow will be, but does anyone really? All I can do is keep pushing through the bad times and make the best of the good. While in the back of my mind I'll always wonder when things will fall apart, I won't let the unknown detract from enjoying the moment.
