Monsters (depression)

I wrote this analogy of depression early on in my relationship with Brian.  I had begun to get depressed, and needed a way to explain to him what I was going through, and why at times I could seem fine and at others I was falling apart.  I also wanted to prepare him for what was to come, as the depression progressed.

     Like the monsters in our childhood closets, it lurks in the shadows, emerging only in the darkness and silence.  In the beginning it fears the light and the noise.  Ever so slowly and cautiously it slithers under the surface, waiting for the night...waiting for a chance to consume you.  Initially it is weak.  When you sense its presence you can jump up and turn on the light...the activity.  When you peer inside with the light on, there's nothing there.  The monster has vanished.
     Imagine now that the closet monster slowly builds up a tolerance for the light and begins to venture forth into it.  It starts out slowly, gradually staying in the light longer, and stepping out further.  What starts to happen is the monster's darkness worms holes into the light, over taking it...destroying it, until there is nothing left but black.  The monster is inescapable.

You see, when you start to get depressed, you can keep it at bay to an extent.  If you stay busy and social, it crowds out the negative thoughts and emotions that the depression brings in.  At first.  As it progresses, not only does it take more activity to occupy your thoughts...it also becomes harder to try to do this.  As you are constantly bombarded by illogical and negative thoughts and emotions, that negativity and irrationality takes away your motivation and hope...and if there is no hope of feeling better and conquering the depression, why bother?  In my experience this progression into misery can be slow or sudden.  I have had mild depression cling for months, with some days being better than others, and I have become suicidal in a matter of a couple of days.  If it was predictable, it would be much more controllable.  But it's not.

I have been off all of my medications since January.  I am more "me" than I have been in a long time.  It is tricky and difficult at times, and I sometimes consider going back on them.  When I met Brian I went back on them for four days and was sick and miserable for all of them.  If the medication fixed me, I might be more willing to tolerate the side effects.  But I still have episodes on them...some being severe enough to require hospitalization.  So I can take my meds, be symptomatic anyway, and be miserable physically on top of it all...or I can stay off my meds, be symptomatic at times, but feel good between episodes.  It's not always an easy decision to stick with, especially during the height of depression.  But it's the right decision for me.

The depression I struggled with earlier this summer lasted probably a little over a month.  About a month ago I had a really rough couple of weeks.  I have had days here and there where I've gone full circle from mania to depression and back again, in less than 24 hours.  But today was a good day.  I don't know what kind of day tomorrow will be, but does anyone really?  All I can do is keep pushing through the bad times and make the best of the good.  While in the back of my mind I'll always wonder when things will fall apart, I won't let the unknown detract from enjoying the moment.

Release Me and Belief (two poems)

Release Me

My soul is lost in a twisted
Tangled web of emotions
Coursing through my body
On a rampage of tortured anger

Never to be captured
Paranoia, obsession, and depression
Run free of control
Ripping my hear to shreds

Blinded by feelings of hopelessness
I live each day
Waiting patiently to be released
From the prison of my mind



Belief

How do you decipher the noise and confusion
Into organized compartments?
Who are you to define the limits of reality?
What would it be like to one day wake up
And discover that your reality has shattered
Against imaginary walls?
If you try to put limits on a force that is limitless
You are only constricting the bounds of your imagination.
I've learned through experience
That believing is seeing.
If you don't dismiss the possibility
It is always there.
A limitless force exists in and around all of us.
Our potential is measured
By how much we are willing to experience
And it is limited only by our own minds.

Hopeful Progress

Another birthday has come and gone.  Along with the year passed, I have chosen to leave behind the constant cloud of fear that I live much of my life in.  When you have bipolar disorder, you learn from the never ending roller coaster that is your life that behind every period of stability lies another up or down.  This is not something that goes away...ever.  The realization that what your life has been is what it will always be shatters you.  You learn to second guess every thought and emotion you experience...questioning.  Is it real or just a symptom?  Am I really happy or am I heading into a manic state?  Is this just an off day or am I getting depressed?  Even though I feel okay now...how long will it last?  My medications have been working, but will they continue to?  The constant ups and downs cast a shadow on the time between.  You don't fully embrace and enjoy the good times because you've learned that they always end, and the bottom drops out.  You live a half life...fearing what tomorrow will bring, rather than living today.

No more.

On the way to church a while back I had this hanging over me...burying me under its weight.  Mom could tell something was wrong so I confessed that I was just so tired.  Tired of having to try so hard; tired of living in fear every day.  I felt suffocated by the awareness that this is going to be part of my entire life.  As our pastor made the call to the altar I felt an overwhelming compulsion to go forward and ask God to take away my fear...to heal that part of myself.  What you should understand is that I have spent years begging...pleading...demanding that He take this away.  Just let me have struggled and suffered enough.  Just let me be "normal".  I know that He has the power to heal me.  But he hasn't.  This used to make me so angry with God.  But now I realize that I'm not finished learning and growing; not yet as strong as I can be.  I am who I am very much as a result of my illness, and I wouldn't trade that for anything.  Do I believe that I was finally healed on that day?  I don't know.  I know that I am no longer afraid.  I know that if it is His will then I will know in time.  I know that I am finally moving forward without that familiar weight upon me.  And I am embracing this freedom fully.

I can look at how far I've come since last summer and celebrate it.  With another 5 pounds I will be halfway to my weight loss goal.  So far I have dropped 25 lbs and 3 sizes.  I am working out regularly and eating healthy, without feeling guilty when I indulge.  I just finished my first week at a new job.  Part time, and low stress.  I think it will be very good for me.  I will be getting out of the house, interacting with people, and not be struggling to get bills paid.  Life is good.

Status Update

     It's been a while since I've written, so I'll start with filling all of you in with what's been going on.  As most of you know, things went haywire this summer, as I plummeted into one of the darkest states of depression that I have ever experienced, second only to the one that led to my suicide attempt and subsequent hospitalization when I was eighteen.  I started back to work full time in the middle of June, and was out again by the end of July...yay me!  Besides direct sales, I am still not working.  I am uninsured.
     But I am doing fantastic!  Finally!  For the first time in a very long time I feel like me!  We've all heard that God never gives you more than you can handle, but when you are at the bottom of a pit of despair, just wanting the misery to end...you truly question that.  But the answer is this.  I don't believe that He doesn't give me more than I can handle at times...I am fragile, and often broken seemingly beyond repair.  What I believe is that He, in preparations for the struggles I would endure, gave me the people and resources I would need, to add their strength to mine, when mine isn't enough.  It is with God's strength, and the strength of my family and friends, that I made it through this episode...and I know that strength will continue to carry me through whenever my own is lacking.
     With the wary cooperation of my amazing psychiatrist I am off of all of the medications that he has prescribed.  Instead, he is monitoring my condition in response to the Topamax and Elavil my neurologist prescribes for other conditions.  In even better news, I am sleeping through the night, almost every night...thanks to an amazing salt lamp!  I bought it at the beach and I have slept well since night one.  I no longer take Ambien or even Melatonin.  I have had insomnia for eighteen years and I can finally sleep!  It's incredible!
     I have also found a new church.  I haven't gone to church with any regularity for years and now I am going every week.  I would go to the Wednesday prayer service too if I had the gas money to go.  It feels wonderful to be part of such a welcoming church family, that also happens to include my Grandma and Aunt Brenda as well.
     I know that, as is the nature of my illness, the road ahead will not be a smooth one...but I am facing it head on, knowing that even though I can't do it alone...I can do it!  :-)

Thoughts on suicidal ideation w/ Poem

Like it or not, suicide touches many of our lives.  We've had friends or family consider it, attempt, complete it...and perhaps we have even considered or attempted it.  I am one of all of those.  A friend committed suicide when I was in high school, a cousin committed suicide during my college days, a family member struggles with recurring thoughts of suicide, and I attempted suicide at eighteen and have had many episodes of suicidal thinking since then.  What people who have never had these thoughts do not typically realize is that it's not about wallowing in self pity and only seeing the negative.  Those of you who know me know that I am a very optimistic person even in the face of adversity.  It's not about being selfish and not caring about the consequences your actions would have on your loved ones.  Suicide is one of the most difficult decisions anyone can make, and I believe this is why so many of us survive in the realm of those who have attempted suicide.  The problem with depression is this...you see the reasons you have to be happy, and yet you can't feel joy...only misery.  And it is such an overpowering misery that the weight of it crushes you.  Well-meaning people try to cheer you up and get you to snap out of it, but it's not that simple.  It is a chemical imbalance that needs the right medicinal treatment to improve.  And most medications for depression take weeks to take effect.  Most people wait until they are rock bottom to seek help, and then they have to wait weeks for the meds to kick in and do their job.  And of course once you are really depressed you lack the motivation and strength to commit suicide, so when the meds start helping a little, your chances of committing suicide actually increase...fun times.  I wrote a poem years ago, back when we visited my brother in Tuscon when he was in the Air Force.  I hope in reading this post and this poem, I have given you a litle more understanding of this topic.  Feel free to comment or contact me directly at racheledrew80@gmail.com if you would like to discuss it further.

A gentle breeze whispers
The words of time gone by
As I sit here in solitude
Witnessing every sensation
While others just walk by

If you watch close enough
You can see the years fly
As my hopes and dreams are crushed
Falling into nothingness
While others' dreams are realized

The irony of my fate...
As I gaze into the sky
I see the beauty, I see the hope
I see only reasons to live
Yet I long to die

Overnight Low

Well, here I am only hours away from an emergency doctor visit.  On Monday I was going along fine, Tuesday was just a typical Tuesday, and then BAM!  Wednesday I wake up feeling like I've been run over after being hit by a ton of bricks.  The world feels like it's going to end with no reason why.  I've been taking my meds most days, but it feels like I'm not on them.  By Thursday things were so bad I had to not work.  I work on commission, so this is very bad.  I'm so scared right now that if I can't get out of this quickly, I may find my job in jeopardy...not that they would fire me, but that I won't be able to make the money that I need to stay afloat.  I have bills that need paid, prescriptions that need filled, among other things.  If I can't work for any length of time that puts me in a very tough spot.  This knowledge only makes the depression worse.  So I'm instantly spiraling out of control.  The last time this happened I had to move home and withdraw from school within a week.  I'm praying it doesn't get that bad, but it's heading there fast.  I hate this part of my life...not being in control.  I feel like it's not fair.  When you get sick, your medicine is supposed to make you better.  Well I've been taking medicine since high school and I'm no closer to being better than I was day one.  If anything the illness is getting worse.  My symptoms creep through my meds more often, I now get mixed episodes which are the most dangerous type of episode, and my symptoms seem to be getting worse as time goes by.  Days like yesterday and today make me question everything, and believe in nothing.  I'll update after the doctor appt, but for now, I just have to make it until 2:30.

PMA - New Job

As some of you know, I recently was offered a position with Combined insurance.  The process to getting to where I need to be to start working in the field has been a short but intense one.  After my initial interview, I had the opportunity to have a day long ride-along with an agent.  This gave me the confidence to say "I can do this".  This was on a Friday.  On the next Monday I made the final commitment to the job, and the path that it would take me on.  The next step was to study hard in a pre-licensing course online for roughly a week and a half.  Then on Tuesday, May 22nd, I took my state licensing exam.  I was confident until halfway through the exam, and then my confidence started to waiver...but I finished the exam with an 86!  Thursday the 24th I went for my fingerprinting and applied for my Producer's license.  Ont the 25th I left for a week at the beach.  I got home on June second and flew out to sales school in Chicago on June third.  I'm a week into the two week program, and I have confidence that I made the right decision.  My last job was very negative, and made me miserable, as many of you know.  This job promises to be a positive experience...if I have the right attitude.

Combined is founded on the principle of PMA...Positive Mental Attitude.  What we are learning are not only the skills we will need to succeed in insurance sales, but also the tools and skills to succeed in life.  We are focused on setting goals and having not only the skills and knowledge to attain them, but also the belief that we can.  We are being shown that having the right mental attitude in any given situation or environment is key.  These are concepts that I've for a long time known, and oft times practice, so it is reinforcing the beliefs that I already have.  But how amazing is it that a company builds itself upon these concepts and beliefs?!  I am in such an environment of encouragement and support!  This company invests itself in you, and your success.  I feel so fortunate to have this opportunity, and I will keep you posted on my progress and success.