Like it or not, suicide touches many of our lives. We've had friends or family consider it, attempt, complete it...and perhaps we have even considered or attempted it. I am one of all of those. A friend committed suicide when I was in high school, a cousin committed suicide during my college days, a family member struggles with recurring thoughts of suicide, and I attempted suicide at eighteen and have had many episodes of suicidal thinking since then. What people who have never had these thoughts do not typically realize is that it's not about wallowing in self pity and only seeing the negative. Those of you who know me know that I am a very optimistic person even in the face of adversity. It's not about being selfish and not caring about the consequences your actions would have on your loved ones. Suicide is one of the most difficult decisions anyone can make, and I believe this is why so many of us survive in the realm of those who have attempted suicide. The problem with depression is this...you see the reasons you have to be happy, and yet you can't feel joy...only misery. And it is such an overpowering misery that the weight of it crushes you. Well-meaning people try to cheer you up and get you to snap out of it, but it's not that simple. It is a chemical imbalance that needs the right medicinal treatment to improve. And most medications for depression take weeks to take effect. Most people wait until they are rock bottom to seek help, and then they have to wait weeks for the meds to kick in and do their job. And of course once you are really depressed you lack the motivation and strength to commit suicide, so when the meds start helping a little, your chances of committing suicide actually increase...fun times. I wrote a poem years ago, back when we visited my brother in Tuscon when he was in the Air Force. I hope in reading this post and this poem, I have given you a litle more understanding of this topic. Feel free to comment or contact me directly at racheledrew80@gmail.com if you would like to discuss it further.
A gentle breeze whispers
The words of time gone by
As I sit here in solitude
Witnessing every sensation
While others just walk by
If you watch close enough
You can see the years fly
As my hopes and dreams are crushed
Falling into nothingness
While others' dreams are realized
The irony of my fate...
As I gaze into the sky
I see the beauty, I see the hope
I see only reasons to live
Yet I long to die
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