Overnight Low

Well, here I am only hours away from an emergency doctor visit.  On Monday I was going along fine, Tuesday was just a typical Tuesday, and then BAM!  Wednesday I wake up feeling like I've been run over after being hit by a ton of bricks.  The world feels like it's going to end with no reason why.  I've been taking my meds most days, but it feels like I'm not on them.  By Thursday things were so bad I had to not work.  I work on commission, so this is very bad.  I'm so scared right now that if I can't get out of this quickly, I may find my job in jeopardy...not that they would fire me, but that I won't be able to make the money that I need to stay afloat.  I have bills that need paid, prescriptions that need filled, among other things.  If I can't work for any length of time that puts me in a very tough spot.  This knowledge only makes the depression worse.  So I'm instantly spiraling out of control.  The last time this happened I had to move home and withdraw from school within a week.  I'm praying it doesn't get that bad, but it's heading there fast.  I hate this part of my life...not being in control.  I feel like it's not fair.  When you get sick, your medicine is supposed to make you better.  Well I've been taking medicine since high school and I'm no closer to being better than I was day one.  If anything the illness is getting worse.  My symptoms creep through my meds more often, I now get mixed episodes which are the most dangerous type of episode, and my symptoms seem to be getting worse as time goes by.  Days like yesterday and today make me question everything, and believe in nothing.  I'll update after the doctor appt, but for now, I just have to make it until 2:30.