Medications

Yes, I am what they call compliant.  I take my meds...most days.  I miss here and there.  I resent them about half the time.  I've been on a lot of different medications over the years.  Some have worked and some haven't...and some have suddenly stopped working after a long history of success.  During my teen years, before my diagnosis, I was treated for unipolar depression.  I started out on Zoloft.  When I got my diagnosis they added Lithium...not fun stuff.  The Lithium caused what's known as a flat affect...I didn't only stop having the highs and lows of bipolar, but stopped having emotion at all.  I dealt with it.  When my shrink decided I still wasn't stabilizing, they added Lamictal.  At some point, I was taken off of the Zoloft.  When my depression return I was put on Paxil. 

I eventually went off my meds.  This lasted five years, during which time I managed to graduate from college and later hold down a full time job.  But then the shit really hit the fan.  I started into what would be my first truly mixed episode, having symptoms of both depression and mania at the same time.  I wasn't sleeping at all but still had way too much energy to sit still.  I fell off the wagon with cutting too...needing seven stitches to seal up a two inch long slice.  My regular doc prescribed Depakote, but it didn't kick in in time to prevent me from having to go on short term disability at work so I could enter the hospital's day program...since they didn't have an inpatient bed.  They put me on Seroquel to knock me out...it did the trick.  They also added Abilify to help get me stable.  They switched me to the extended release form of Depakote because I was having horrible side effects with the regular kind.  Over the next six weeks, I stabilized.  During follow up visits with my new psychiatrist I was taken off the Seroquel and put on Wellbutrin for my lack of energy, and Ambien for my lack of sleep.  I eventually weaned myself off the Wellbutrin because my energy levels were good thanks to regular exercise and a vitamin B complex.  My newest psychiatrist checked with his attending and they agreed I could stay off the Wellbutrin and maybe next time we could start taking me off the Abilify.  I am also sleeping fairly well most nights without the Ambien. 

But I take more pills than my parents.  It's frustrating, and breaking me financially.  Because you see, I also take medications for my asthma and migraines, and am forgoing treating my essential tremor because I don't want to take more pills.  Life without medications, while appealing when I'm taking so many, is just too much work.  I learned in my pursuit of a bachelors in Psychology all of the techniques to use to help get me through my episodes and help ease their intensity and frequency.  For instance, you should keep a steady bedtime and wake time.  This helps in two ways.  It keeps you more stable and gives you an early indicator that an episode is coming on.  I know this...but I don't do it.  You should avoid excess stimulation like television and caffeine because they can trigger a manic episode.  I know this...but I don't avoid it.  If I wasn't on meds these tips and tricks would help me, but since I'm on meds I don't worry about it.  Life is a lot easier in medication, but there are so many side effects that make you want to throw in the towel.  For instance, I'm on a quest to lose about forty pounds.  I'm ten pounds in, but my meds almost all cause weght gain, which makes it difficult to lose weight.  It has taken me about two and a half months to lose 10 pounds, and the last two weeks I've gained!  So now my net weight loss is back down to about 8 pounds.  If I wasn't on my meds, I might be twice as far as I am, and likely wouldn't have so much to lose in the first place.

I have to have periodic bloodwork because all of my meds can do damage to my organs.  The depakote can really do a number on your liver.  And that's not to mention what they could all do to a child if I became pregnant while taking my meds.  Spina bifida is a big one.  And so, do I go off my meds to have children, do I get put on meds that are less likely to do harm to a fetus while risking my already fragile stability?  Do I have children at all, considering I could pass the bipolar down to them?

I am compliant, because I have to be.  I have episodes even on medication, though they aren't as bad and they don't last as long.  My illness seems to be progressive, with each episode being worse than the last.  Fear keeps me on my meds more than a desire to feel well.  I'm afraid that if I go off my meds I will once again end up in the hospital, spiralling out of control, not able to control my own mind.  So I stay compliant even though  hate my meds, because the fear is greater than the resentment.