Status Update

     It's been a while since I've written, so I'll start with filling all of you in with what's been going on.  As most of you know, things went haywire this summer, as I plummeted into one of the darkest states of depression that I have ever experienced, second only to the one that led to my suicide attempt and subsequent hospitalization when I was eighteen.  I started back to work full time in the middle of June, and was out again by the end of July...yay me!  Besides direct sales, I am still not working.  I am uninsured.
     But I am doing fantastic!  Finally!  For the first time in a very long time I feel like me!  We've all heard that God never gives you more than you can handle, but when you are at the bottom of a pit of despair, just wanting the misery to end...you truly question that.  But the answer is this.  I don't believe that He doesn't give me more than I can handle at times...I am fragile, and often broken seemingly beyond repair.  What I believe is that He, in preparations for the struggles I would endure, gave me the people and resources I would need, to add their strength to mine, when mine isn't enough.  It is with God's strength, and the strength of my family and friends, that I made it through this episode...and I know that strength will continue to carry me through whenever my own is lacking.
     With the wary cooperation of my amazing psychiatrist I am off of all of the medications that he has prescribed.  Instead, he is monitoring my condition in response to the Topamax and Elavil my neurologist prescribes for other conditions.  In even better news, I am sleeping through the night, almost every night...thanks to an amazing salt lamp!  I bought it at the beach and I have slept well since night one.  I no longer take Ambien or even Melatonin.  I have had insomnia for eighteen years and I can finally sleep!  It's incredible!
     I have also found a new church.  I haven't gone to church with any regularity for years and now I am going every week.  I would go to the Wednesday prayer service too if I had the gas money to go.  It feels wonderful to be part of such a welcoming church family, that also happens to include my Grandma and Aunt Brenda as well.
     I know that, as is the nature of my illness, the road ahead will not be a smooth one...but I am facing it head on, knowing that even though I can't do it alone...I can do it!  :-)

Thoughts on suicidal ideation w/ Poem

Like it or not, suicide touches many of our lives.  We've had friends or family consider it, attempt, complete it...and perhaps we have even considered or attempted it.  I am one of all of those.  A friend committed suicide when I was in high school, a cousin committed suicide during my college days, a family member struggles with recurring thoughts of suicide, and I attempted suicide at eighteen and have had many episodes of suicidal thinking since then.  What people who have never had these thoughts do not typically realize is that it's not about wallowing in self pity and only seeing the negative.  Those of you who know me know that I am a very optimistic person even in the face of adversity.  It's not about being selfish and not caring about the consequences your actions would have on your loved ones.  Suicide is one of the most difficult decisions anyone can make, and I believe this is why so many of us survive in the realm of those who have attempted suicide.  The problem with depression is this...you see the reasons you have to be happy, and yet you can't feel joy...only misery.  And it is such an overpowering misery that the weight of it crushes you.  Well-meaning people try to cheer you up and get you to snap out of it, but it's not that simple.  It is a chemical imbalance that needs the right medicinal treatment to improve.  And most medications for depression take weeks to take effect.  Most people wait until they are rock bottom to seek help, and then they have to wait weeks for the meds to kick in and do their job.  And of course once you are really depressed you lack the motivation and strength to commit suicide, so when the meds start helping a little, your chances of committing suicide actually increase...fun times.  I wrote a poem years ago, back when we visited my brother in Tuscon when he was in the Air Force.  I hope in reading this post and this poem, I have given you a litle more understanding of this topic.  Feel free to comment or contact me directly at racheledrew80@gmail.com if you would like to discuss it further.

A gentle breeze whispers
The words of time gone by
As I sit here in solitude
Witnessing every sensation
While others just walk by

If you watch close enough
You can see the years fly
As my hopes and dreams are crushed
Falling into nothingness
While others' dreams are realized

The irony of my fate...
As I gaze into the sky
I see the beauty, I see the hope
I see only reasons to live
Yet I long to die

Overnight Low

Well, here I am only hours away from an emergency doctor visit.  On Monday I was going along fine, Tuesday was just a typical Tuesday, and then BAM!  Wednesday I wake up feeling like I've been run over after being hit by a ton of bricks.  The world feels like it's going to end with no reason why.  I've been taking my meds most days, but it feels like I'm not on them.  By Thursday things were so bad I had to not work.  I work on commission, so this is very bad.  I'm so scared right now that if I can't get out of this quickly, I may find my job in jeopardy...not that they would fire me, but that I won't be able to make the money that I need to stay afloat.  I have bills that need paid, prescriptions that need filled, among other things.  If I can't work for any length of time that puts me in a very tough spot.  This knowledge only makes the depression worse.  So I'm instantly spiraling out of control.  The last time this happened I had to move home and withdraw from school within a week.  I'm praying it doesn't get that bad, but it's heading there fast.  I hate this part of my life...not being in control.  I feel like it's not fair.  When you get sick, your medicine is supposed to make you better.  Well I've been taking medicine since high school and I'm no closer to being better than I was day one.  If anything the illness is getting worse.  My symptoms creep through my meds more often, I now get mixed episodes which are the most dangerous type of episode, and my symptoms seem to be getting worse as time goes by.  Days like yesterday and today make me question everything, and believe in nothing.  I'll update after the doctor appt, but for now, I just have to make it until 2:30.

PMA - New Job

As some of you know, I recently was offered a position with Combined insurance.  The process to getting to where I need to be to start working in the field has been a short but intense one.  After my initial interview, I had the opportunity to have a day long ride-along with an agent.  This gave me the confidence to say "I can do this".  This was on a Friday.  On the next Monday I made the final commitment to the job, and the path that it would take me on.  The next step was to study hard in a pre-licensing course online for roughly a week and a half.  Then on Tuesday, May 22nd, I took my state licensing exam.  I was confident until halfway through the exam, and then my confidence started to waiver...but I finished the exam with an 86!  Thursday the 24th I went for my fingerprinting and applied for my Producer's license.  Ont the 25th I left for a week at the beach.  I got home on June second and flew out to sales school in Chicago on June third.  I'm a week into the two week program, and I have confidence that I made the right decision.  My last job was very negative, and made me miserable, as many of you know.  This job promises to be a positive experience...if I have the right attitude.

Combined is founded on the principle of PMA...Positive Mental Attitude.  What we are learning are not only the skills we will need to succeed in insurance sales, but also the tools and skills to succeed in life.  We are focused on setting goals and having not only the skills and knowledge to attain them, but also the belief that we can.  We are being shown that having the right mental attitude in any given situation or environment is key.  These are concepts that I've for a long time known, and oft times practice, so it is reinforcing the beliefs that I already have.  But how amazing is it that a company builds itself upon these concepts and beliefs?!  I am in such an environment of encouragement and support!  This company invests itself in you, and your success.  I feel so fortunate to have this opportunity, and I will keep you posted on my progress and success.

Work, and the effect it has on my mood

I won't call myself a workaholic...I've never thought that work should be the biggest priority in your life.  But I like to work.  It gives me a sense of purpose in my day.  It makes me feel like I'm contributing something worthwhile to society.  I've always been a person who was going to have a great career.  My priorities have shifted.  My dream is to be a stay at home mom...at least mostly.  I want to have a career that allows me to work part time, and mostly from home.  But, not having a job right now, and not having a family to care for to fill the gap, is driving me crazy.  Most of you know what happened at my last job.  I was fired for the most ludicrous reason that it's almost comical.  You also know that I was miserable there anyway, so it's no great loss.  I might feel differently if I didn't qualify for unemployment, but as it is, I am much better off.  The day I got fired happened to be my first appointment with my newest psychiatrist.  From what I told him about my psychological state as a result of the job, he actually said that if I hadn't been fired he would have recommended I quit.  Things were bad enough that the stress placed on me at work triggered a mixed episode followed by a never ending depression.  The depression was so bad that at one point I was driving back from lunch and the thought struck me that if I was in a car accident I wouldn't have to go back to work that day.  No job, and no boss, should ever make you feel this way.  They don't have the right, and if they do they shouldn't be in charge.  Those of you who have worked at Calfrac know exactly what, and who, I am talking about, so I won't go into that here.  What the saddest part was is that I liked what I did, but it was a person that was making me miserable.  A person in a position of power, so what could I do?

The problem I run into is that I need insurance.  So many policies have existing condition clauses, but if you've been insured you are exempt from them.  So I have to come up with the close to four hundred dollars a month for my COBRA, plus about an additional two hundred for my medications.  That's not including copays for various appointments with numerous specialists.  So, any job that I apply for has to either offer benefits or have  a pay rate that allows me to afford the COBRA, meds, and doctor visits, on top of everything else like groceries and gas.  So part time positions are pretty much out.  Most places want to hire part time.  In fact, I applied at Sears.  I put that I was looking for a full time position and the computer selected me to take part in an interview.  Yay!  I show up for the interview to be told that they don't hire full time.  Hello!  Your system is the one that scheduled the interview!  Talk about a waste of time.

Since getting fired, I have had a horrible time even getting an interview.  I figure it is a direct result of my termination, since every application you fill out asks you if you have ever been discharged or asked to resign.  I never had a problem getting an interview before my termination.  Since then I have managed to get three interviews out of countless applications that I've filled out for every job field I could come up with...everything from applying at places I've worked before (Hello, you know I'm a great worker!), to applying at Target and Lowes.  I have a second interview tomorrow, so wish me luck!

I've gone off on a tangent.  My mood...typically I do better when I'm staying busy and being productive, but not at Calfrac.  That was a different matter entirely.  Normally when I'm bored is when I do the worst.  It gives me too much time to dwell on anything negative that's going through my head.  But, because I was coming from Calfrac, my mood has done nothing but improve since being fired, even though I'm sared to death that my unemployment will run out before I get another job.  It's hard to believe that one dark spot on an otherwise spotless history could have so much of a negative impact on your employ-ability.  I try not to dwell on it though...since I feel so much better it must have been a good thing, right?  That's the attitude that I have, that it was a blessing.  It has given me the chance to improve my mood, and time to work on myself.  It's also been nice to get to spend so much time with Kenny on his six days off.

One good thing...if I get the job that I have the second interview for, I will still get to go on the vacation that I have planned with my best friend, plus I get two weeks of vacation a year, along with a lot of day to day flexibility, not so much in your first 13 weeks, but after that.  I'll know for sure after tomorrow if it's something I can see myself doing.  I'll keep you posted!

Energy

Another issue I have with my meds is lack of energy.  Most of them cause drowsiness and unless I take my Ambien I often don't sleep well.  I've suffered from insomnia since I was about fourteen.  It wasn't until my last psychiatrist put me on Ambien that I started sleeping more than a few hours a night.  But, even with sleeping better now, I still struggle with being tired most of the time.  At least I did...

I talked things over with my newest psychiatrist about starting on a B vitamin complex, since this is supposed to improve your energy and metabolism.  Even though he can't endorse it he said it was worth a shot since it couldn't hurt me.  It took a couple of weeks to start to feel the effects of it but let me tell you...it works!  Even if it's just a placebo effect, I can really tell a difference in my energy levels since starting my High Potency B Complex.  I would recommend that anyone who struggles with not having enough energy start a B Complex...and give it a chance to work.  Like I said, it took a couple of weeks before I felt a real difference.

Another thing that has made a huge difference in my energy levels is regular exercise.  Since losing my job last fall, I've started exercising four to six days a week, doing everything from Zumba and Walk Away the Pounds to numerous Jillian Michaels workouts.  I am typically more sluggish on the days I don't work out.  The typical thought process would be that if you expend energy working out that you would have less energy, but it's just not the case.  On the days that I get up and work out I am able to stay up later and feel less tired throughout the day.

Boredom seems to be my downfall from time to time.  Before starting the B Complex I was going to bed around 8:30 every night...exhausted.  The vitamin supplement had me staying up until around 9:30 most nights.  When I added the exercise my bedtime went to about 10:00-10:30.  I don't stay up that late often these days.  But it's not because of exhaustion, but because of boredom.  Without having a job, I get all of my hobby activities in during the day and by the time evening rolls around there's nothing left to do but watch television and loaf on the couch.  this drags me down, both mentally and physically.  I am looking forward to getting back to work because then I will get up and work out, spend my day at work, come home, have dinner, and then enjoy my hobbies like reading, beading, and building puzzles.  By the time I finish with leisure activities it will be time to go to bed and start it all again the next day.

The point is, a lot of things can suck the energy out of us...it's our job to find what works for us to get a little of it back.  These are things that have worked for me...maybe they'll work for you.  If you try them, I'd love to hear if they work for you as well as they have for me.  If you have other things that you've found have worked for you, please share them.

Weight Rollercoaster

I know I've complained about my medications.  There's a lot to complain about.  What I'm struggling with currently is weight loss.  I'm taking three medications that have weight gain as a side effect.  It doesn't happen overnight...it creeps up on you.  Since going back on medications the last time I gained roughly ten pounds.  That's not counting the 12 pounds I lost on Weight Watchers the last time.  And so I begin again on Weight Watchers.  I started in January doing Weight Watchers Online.  I've managed to lose ten pounds, but that's not counting the two pounds I gained in the past two weeks.  I work out five to six times a week in addition to never using all of my flex points.  And yet, if my weight from cheating this morning and weighing myself holds, I've lost only ten pounds in three and a half months.  My goals are flexible, but ambitious.  By my count I've got about thirty more pounds to lose.  At the rate I'm losing I figure it will take me until next January to lose it.  But I'm willing to stick with it...for my health, and for my own personal sense of satisfaction.  With the weight gain that my meds cause, I look forward to continuing to struggle with the ever sneaky weight gain.  But I've lost thirty pounds before...my first time on Weight Watchers...and I will lose forty this time.  It may take me two years, but I will not give up.

Medications

Yes, I am what they call compliant.  I take my meds...most days.  I miss here and there.  I resent them about half the time.  I've been on a lot of different medications over the years.  Some have worked and some haven't...and some have suddenly stopped working after a long history of success.  During my teen years, before my diagnosis, I was treated for unipolar depression.  I started out on Zoloft.  When I got my diagnosis they added Lithium...not fun stuff.  The Lithium caused what's known as a flat affect...I didn't only stop having the highs and lows of bipolar, but stopped having emotion at all.  I dealt with it.  When my shrink decided I still wasn't stabilizing, they added Lamictal.  At some point, I was taken off of the Zoloft.  When my depression return I was put on Paxil. 

I eventually went off my meds.  This lasted five years, during which time I managed to graduate from college and later hold down a full time job.  But then the shit really hit the fan.  I started into what would be my first truly mixed episode, having symptoms of both depression and mania at the same time.  I wasn't sleeping at all but still had way too much energy to sit still.  I fell off the wagon with cutting too...needing seven stitches to seal up a two inch long slice.  My regular doc prescribed Depakote, but it didn't kick in in time to prevent me from having to go on short term disability at work so I could enter the hospital's day program...since they didn't have an inpatient bed.  They put me on Seroquel to knock me out...it did the trick.  They also added Abilify to help get me stable.  They switched me to the extended release form of Depakote because I was having horrible side effects with the regular kind.  Over the next six weeks, I stabilized.  During follow up visits with my new psychiatrist I was taken off the Seroquel and put on Wellbutrin for my lack of energy, and Ambien for my lack of sleep.  I eventually weaned myself off the Wellbutrin because my energy levels were good thanks to regular exercise and a vitamin B complex.  My newest psychiatrist checked with his attending and they agreed I could stay off the Wellbutrin and maybe next time we could start taking me off the Abilify.  I am also sleeping fairly well most nights without the Ambien. 

But I take more pills than my parents.  It's frustrating, and breaking me financially.  Because you see, I also take medications for my asthma and migraines, and am forgoing treating my essential tremor because I don't want to take more pills.  Life without medications, while appealing when I'm taking so many, is just too much work.  I learned in my pursuit of a bachelors in Psychology all of the techniques to use to help get me through my episodes and help ease their intensity and frequency.  For instance, you should keep a steady bedtime and wake time.  This helps in two ways.  It keeps you more stable and gives you an early indicator that an episode is coming on.  I know this...but I don't do it.  You should avoid excess stimulation like television and caffeine because they can trigger a manic episode.  I know this...but I don't avoid it.  If I wasn't on meds these tips and tricks would help me, but since I'm on meds I don't worry about it.  Life is a lot easier in medication, but there are so many side effects that make you want to throw in the towel.  For instance, I'm on a quest to lose about forty pounds.  I'm ten pounds in, but my meds almost all cause weght gain, which makes it difficult to lose weight.  It has taken me about two and a half months to lose 10 pounds, and the last two weeks I've gained!  So now my net weight loss is back down to about 8 pounds.  If I wasn't on my meds, I might be twice as far as I am, and likely wouldn't have so much to lose in the first place.

I have to have periodic bloodwork because all of my meds can do damage to my organs.  The depakote can really do a number on your liver.  And that's not to mention what they could all do to a child if I became pregnant while taking my meds.  Spina bifida is a big one.  And so, do I go off my meds to have children, do I get put on meds that are less likely to do harm to a fetus while risking my already fragile stability?  Do I have children at all, considering I could pass the bipolar down to them?

I am compliant, because I have to be.  I have episodes even on medication, though they aren't as bad and they don't last as long.  My illness seems to be progressive, with each episode being worse than the last.  Fear keeps me on my meds more than a desire to feel well.  I'm afraid that if I go off my meds I will once again end up in the hospital, spiralling out of control, not able to control my own mind.  So I stay compliant even though  hate my meds, because the fear is greater than the resentment.

The Tears Not Cried - a poem and commentary

THE TEARS NOT CRIED


More agonizing that the terrors of life
Are the tears not cried
More dangerous than a sword or knife
Is the pain that's kept inside


More saddening than the woes of death
Are the tears not cried
More hurtful than each struggled breath
Is the pain I keep inside


Why is it that we so often suffer in silence?  Do we believe that others would judge us harshly for the pain we feel, or is it that we believe others can't possibly understand what we are going through?  I know for me, it has always been about not wanting to put others in distress.  It's bad enough that I feel depressed and oft times suicidal...it would only make me feel worse to see everyone's concern and pain that results from sharing such torment.  And so, when I feel my worst I paint a smile on my face and suffer alone.  But the funny thing is, if I do that long enough I start to feel better.  Whereas if I gave in and let myself wallow in my pain, I would continue to spiral downward.  So it is that I keep pushing through, pretending everything's okay...until it once again is.  By now I should be used to this cycle.  My ups are almost always followed by a down, and I often have mixed episodes, which are a whole other conversation.  The gist of it is I have people in my life that would love to help....if I'd only let them.

Innocence Lost - a poem

INNOCENCE LOST

Tormented by this nagging feeling

Of not knowing who I am,

I sit in solitude pondering

Where I've been and where I'm going.

I wonder what I've learned

From my mistakes, from the world I live in.

Am I stronger from the terrors I've faced

Or have they broken me?

Most, if not all of the poetry I post was written at least a few years ago.  If there's one thing that medications seem to take away it's creative thought.  It's not that I can't write...I just lack the inspiration.  It's much easier to write a poem about things you are experiencing but are afraid to express, than to write about what you used to feel.

A Little History

Let me start by telling you a little bit about myself.  I just turned 32, I live at home with my parents, I'm currently unemployed, and I'm bipolar.  Life has not always been easy, and there have been times that I've wondered if it's all worth it.  But I'm hoping that this blog will give me the outlet that I need for my twisted, tangled thoughts, and maybe even help someone else...if only by raising awareness of an illness that is so often misunderstood.  I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder in January of 1999; I was just shy of my 19th birthday.

The diagnosis came after an inpatient hospital stay following my first and only suicide attempt.  Up to that point I was undergoing treatment for unipolar depression.  Even though my diagnosis made sense of many things in my short life, I didn't truly accept my diagnosis until years later when I took abnormal psychology in college.  There have been times in the years since my diagnosis that I have been compliant with my medications...and there have been times when I haven't.  I live in a constant state of wariness, wondering when my next episode will strike, second-guessing everything I feel, incessantly analyzing every thought and action.

Luckily I, unlike many, have a wonderful support system.  My family and close friends are the reason I am still here today.  My mother is my rock, and my biggest cheerleader.  My sister is the one I can always count on to call me on my bs, when I'm faking what I'm feeling.  My boyfriend Kenny...what can I say?  He is nothing but understanding and supportive.


Let me go off on a tangent here and explain that I am also a cutter.  This is another problem that is so often hidden...overlooked.  I started in junior high and have done it off and on since then.  I am proud to say that as of December I have gone a full year without harming myself.  Try having that conversation with a new boyfriend!  Try explaining the scars to a virtual stranger when they ask about them.  It's hard enough to come clean with people you've known your whole life.


As I embark upon this journey of self reflection, I welcome comments and questions.  My goal is to share what I have gone through, am going through, and will go through.  I am hoping that by blogging about my experiences it will bring about self-awareness, and understanding to those that read my posts.